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Seeker-Driven Sermon from the Growing Impetuous Church, Willowy Creed.

29/11/2013

Whistling in the Spirit
By Pastor C Kerr.

This sermon is part of a series delivered at the Growing Impetuous Church, Willowy Creed, USA. The sermon series is entitled, My Decision to Generously and Audaciously Give without Limits, and this transcript is edited so that the soundbite generation can cope with its deep teaching.

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Hi everybody, let’s have a round of applause for me! (Audience applauds). For those who don’t know, A’m Pastor C Kerr, pastor of the Growing Impetuous Church, the biggest mega-church this side of the Atlantic Ocean, and today A’m a-goin to be speaking on WHISTLING IN THE SPIRIT! Ma text today is taken from Isaiah 14:18, and A’m a-reading from the Massage. (Asst. Pastor, “Psst, that should be the MESSAGE” C Kerr, “No, boy, A knows what A’m a-doin here, boy”). Here’s the text…

That’s when God will whistle for the flies at the headwaters of Egypt’s Nile. Isaiah 7:18

That’s a-Ma text for today, so everybody, hold up your Bible and say after me, “This is ma Bible, A em what it says Ah em, Ah do what the pastor tells me to do, Ah am going to be taught the pastor’s vision, and Ah will never have the same bank balance again”. Ah-men!

Well, before Ah beings ma message to you today, a want-a y’all to give a big cheer of welcome to everyone who’s a-joining us today from our other ten campuses across the city, and those in the many correctional institutions and on the internet who are listening in today. Y’all are welcome, and when you you next visit our fair city, you call into see us, and bring along your wallet, friends. You’ll all be most welcome!

Gad, – will whistle, will whistle, Ah say, – for the flies! Do you see that in your bible? I got a direct challenge for you, which I have received directly in a vision from the Lord, and he wants me to cast ma vision to y’all this very morning, and it is this, GAD WANTS YOU TO WHISTLE ALONG WITH HIM! You turn right now to your neighbour, and say to him, ‘God wants you to whistle’. (general hubbub from audience). Yes sir, our Gad is a whistling Gad, and he wants you to whistle too! Now y’all follow me here, and make sure you take notes on your iPad or your phone, y’hear?

Firstly, Gad obviously wants you to be a fisherman! After all, if Gad is whistling for flies on the River Nile, it must be because he wants to fish on that river! What else, after all, that’s what flies are for. Ah should know. For Ah has gone fly fishing on great rivers all across the US of A. You goes to your local store, and you gets yourself a rod and a reel and some flies, and you fish! Isn’t that what Jesus meant, when he said to Matthew and Luke, ‘I will make you fishers’. (Asst. Pastor, “Shouldn’t that be James and John, C Kerr, “No, boy, A told you Ah knows what A’m a-doin here, boy”). He wants them to fish! And he wants you to fish too! Everybody say, “Gad wants me to fish”. (General noise in audience).

Naw, Ah know, that sometimes fishing can be difficult and dangerous. There’s big tides and currents out in them there waters, and there’s mud and slime and muck, and sometimes, if you’s a-fishing down in South America there’s them nasty little piranha fish, that’s a-gonna strip your skin off-a you like a monkey peels an orange, – but hey, you just gotta have faith and go out and fish in deep waters. Just like me and ma lovely fourth wife Becky-Lee, – hey come on up here Becky-Lee and show them just how lovely you are, – there now, ain’t she just the prettiest little thing you just ever seen? Let’s all give Becky-Lee a clap offering, (audience applauds. Asst Pastor, “When did you divorce your third wife, Jenny-Lou? After your affair or when you discovered her inheritance had fallen through? Kerr, “Shut up, boy, Ah ain’t a-gonna tell you again…). Gad has plans for your life, and those plans involve fish!

Now, the next thing that we learn today, is that Gad wants you to WHISTLE WHILE YOU WORK! Yessir, it’s right here in the bible. For Gad whistles while he fishes on the River Nile! Nah, Ah don’t know haw that works much, but I guess he must a-whistle very softly, for if he whistled loud, he’d scare off the doggone fish. So he must whistle real low, or perhaps his whistle is a spiritual whistle, but anyway, he whistles, and so he wants you to whistle too! Now, Ah believe that there is coming a time when all the people of the earth will whistle together! Mormons, Moslems, Christians, Hindus, and even them there a-Roming Catlicks. We’s all a-gonna whistle for Jesus! Hallelujah! And here’s the deep part of this, – no-one can whistle for Gad unless they first learn to whistle! Gad has revealed to me himself in a dream, that when the Spirit breathed over the earth, that was Gad learning how to whistle! Gad had to practice his whistling, and when he did so he accidentally created the earth! Hallelujah! Ah tell you what, let’s all practice some holy whistling right now! Turn to your neighbour and whistle the breath of God into their lives. Whistle over them, with a holy whistle, – (general whistling sound from audience). Hallelujah. Your whistle has created a new reality for your neighbour! Gad whistles life into you, and you can whistle that life into others! Let’s all say “A’m a whistler for Jesus”.

Finally, Ah want you to know that when you have been fly fishing in the River, and you’re a-whistling as you fish, that will bring you blessing. Ah declare it over you right now. You will be blessed. Now, stay with me here folks, for this is the most important part of ma message today. When you whistle, you are being cheerful. And when you fish you have a catch. Your fishing will be successful for you have been obeying Gad as you fish, and he cannot fail to bless you. Now, in the Noo Testament, you know what it says about cheerful people, don’t you? (Assistant pastor, “Of course they do, for you tell them every week.” Kerr, “Boy, Ah is getting real tired of you. If y’all don’t shut up, A’m a-gonna bust your ass back to preaching intern”). As Ah was saying, The Lord Loves a CHEERFUL GIVER! So when you’s a-whistling while you fish, and your catch is blessed, your gonna wanna give that catch to the ministry here at Growing Impetuous Church, namely to me! (Soft music begins). You’ll want to bless others as you have been blessed. You’ll want to share that catch, you’ll want to whistle even more, as more and more fish drop from Heaven into your boat, and you will bring that catch, and place it into the barrels, at the front of this here very church, as a catch-offering unto The Lord.

We’s all a-gonna pray then after we’s prayed, we’s all a-gonna join in the Pentecostal two-step, as our worship leader and music pastor, Pr Whittaker sings his latest praise chorus, “Just Whistle While You Work”. Ah-men.

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Okay, this is a spoof sermon by a spoof pastor from a spoof church. But do you know that across the world, seeker-driven pastors are preaching messages not dissimilar to this every week? The hyperbole is actually not that far fetched. Often preaching to vast audiences these men (and women) take Bible verses out of context and twist the scriptures, they preach about themselves, they come up with some wacky vision or idea and then look for out of context verses to back it up, they show off their trophy wives, they are held to a much lower standard than others, they amass fortunes for themselves, they plagiarise each other, they become celebrities, and they never tell the people that they are sinners, or that Jesus Christ died for them on the Cross, so that they could have their sins forgiven, and live for him and go to heaven.

If you go to a church where the pastor casts his vision, and you must follow it, or where you hear nothing else but a diatribe about what you must do or not do, or if your pastor doesn’t preach about what Jesus did for you, please flee from that place, and find a church where the emphasis is on the proper exegesis of Scripture, and Christ Centred, Cross Focussed preaching of the Gospel.

Copyright. The Sermons of Pastor C Kerr are the ‘intellectual’ (ha ha) property of Bob McEvoy. If you share this, please give proper credit.

From → Strange Fire

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